i find it hard to fit in

I always have.

Here I am, working towards my fortieth birthday, and I still find myself trying to fit in.

Like going to the party in high school because you know all the “cool kids” will be there.

Not knowing what to say.

Not knowing how to act.

Hoping you can just fit in.

I never did.

Oh, I could hang for a little while, but eventually I did something to screw it up.

I never got too close, knowing it probably wouldn’t end well.

I still like to go to the party and try to fit in.

It’s still so uncomfortable.

And, not only is the party “in real life”,  the party is online…

Instagram.

Twitter.

Facebook.

Blogs.

There’s a party every minute of every day.

And, I still don’t know where I fit in.

Oh, I can hang for a little while…

i just don’t get too close…

because it probably won’t end well.

But, I keep trying to fit in…

home is…like groundhog day.

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14 thoughts on “i find it hard to fit in

  1. Nita says:

    I feel you. I recently shot a friends wedding. We were friends (not close) in high school, and she was pretty popular. I was not. I had a guard up and didn’t let many people in. When I came to shoot the wedding, it felt like high school all over again. Thankfully I am a much softer person now, but I still felt like the unpopular, heavy girl around the prom queens and cheerleaders. It’s crazy how those feeling can span decades.

  2. Kathy says:

    Leaving high school, I thought I would leave behind the exclusive groups that make people feel bad but no, they are still everywhere fifty years later. Secret: exclusivity is for the insecure. If a group makes me uncomfortable, they are not for me. There are groups out there that welcome, use and value the diversity of their members. Your blog is one of them. Your family is the best because they welcome, value and love you too – for your differences as well as your similarities. Keep looking for groups that value who you are, keep blogging for people who want to know you, keep contributing what you have to give. You will find your welcoming niches. Love you.

  3. theartscornerblog says:

    Well I’m 25 and I still find it hard to fit in . I think the only time I have fitted in was when I was in uni . Now that I’ve left and I’ve moved home I’m back to making friends again seeing as all of my friends from Uni live hours away.

  4. Lakeside Fixer Upper says:

    I feel the same and it has kept me from following ME, my genuine self most of the last 40 years. Not YET being able to have children and wishing I had made different career choices has left me feeling like a sore thumb in a season of my life that shouldn’t feel like adolescence. I started my blog to fight that and focus on believing in me and what I have to offer for the first time really. Putting myself out in social media is SCARY, and I’m not quite there yet, but I have to keep working on it. I choose to believe that I fit in with some people, a niche. Maybe working on developing and owning our true and genuine selves is the magic key that will lead to naturally fitting in – into THAT particular, wonderful niche.

  5. Barb Buckner Suárez says:

    I have been grateful for being able to travel in lots of different circles. I don’t think that I fit into any one box in high school or otherwise. Those boxes are too small to contain us. Don’t try to fit into any of them! Keep being authentic to who you are and the people who are attracted to your authenticity will keep showing up for you. Keep writing from your heart and the people who need to hear your words will thank you for them. I loved this post. Vulnerable and authentic.

  6. queenofthelandoftwigsnberries says:

    Being a high school teacher it is so difficult to see kids who struggle with being in the “in” crowd…I just want to pull them aside and tell them that when they become adults, it is awesome that you can avoid the “in” crowds and just simply enjoy “being” with the people who make you feel content and secure.

  7. kmlasher says:

    Once, after having lived somewhere for 10 years one of my husbands childhood friends’ wife said at our going away party “you never really fit in here.” Ouch. I get it. Now, after celebrating my own milestone birthday I have finally begun to be okay with who I am and what my gifts are. And then I started a blog, and now I’m back in that scary world again – only now it’s online and I have to force myself to join the party, and I feel that uncomfortable feeling of being completely unsure of how to be authentic while at the same time really caring that someone out there cares that I am at the party. Whew. If you figure it out, let me know!

  8. leibali says:

    Also nearing 40 ( quite excited) I’ve never fitted in or had a close friend, I remember meeting a girl after years apart and she said ‘yeah we used to laugh at you, not with you’ not much to say to that, had kids so couldn’t knock her out😉but I don’t worry about it too much anymore, Im lucky enough to have my own family, sometimes I see some close friends and think ‘wish I had that’ but then at the same time I kinda love being alone where I can be my truly daft self and not have to fit in or worry about a thing 😊

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