vulnerable

Don’t let the craftiness and thrifting goodness fool you.

I’m feeling completely vulnerable right now.

I’m just good at keeping appearances up.

I’ve been sick for three weeks. It started with a cold that turned into a sinus infection that is now a deep cough that I just can’t shake.I’ve been sick more than I can remember.Actually, the last time I remember getting sick this frequently was when I was a pre-teen. I had appendicitis, tonsillitis, and mono within just a couple years of each other. In the last year, I’ve had walking pneumonia, shingles, and this darn sinus infection.

I’m exhausted.

And, I’m vulnerable.

I feel like I am being attacked by my kids. Daily.

One won’t go to bed. Or, stay in bed. Or, obey.

One won’t go pee on the potty, Or, wear the clothes I pick for her. Or, let anybody but Mommy do anything.

I love my kids more than anything in the world, but being their mommy right now is very hard.

I get angry and resentful. I snap or use a not so nice tone of voice.

And, then I end up saying, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I didn’t have to say, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I just wouldn’t snap.

I wish I just wouldn’t us a not so nice tone of voice.

I feel like I am failing at my job.

So, I craft.

I thrift.

I do projects around the house.

Because I’m good at it. And, doing something I am good at makes me feel less vulnerable.

I get a rush of adrenaline when I am doing it.

It feeds my soul.

But, the laundry doesn’t get done.

And, the dishes are in the sink.

And, phone calls for doctors appointments don’t get made.

And, there’s nothing ready for dinner.

And, I haven’t worked out in months.

And, then there’s my husband, who I also love more than anything in the world. He is so good to me and the kids and works his butt off to provide for us. He is an amazing father and husband.

He travels for work almost every week which leaves me as a single parent on the average of 2-4 nights a week. The kids and I have our routine down and it has gotten a lot easier as they have gotten older.

However, I’m so exhausted from battling my kids, trying to be a good mom, and trying to feed my own soul, that I have NO energy left for my husband when he is home.

I get angry and resentful. I don’t feel like being intimate. I snap or use a not so nice tone of voice.

And, then I end up saying, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I didn’t have to say, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I just wouldn’t snap.

I wish I just had the desire and energy to be intimate..

I wish I just wouldn’t us a not so nice tone of voice.

I feel like I am being judged for not being a good enough wife. Partner. Mother.

And, I feel like I am failing at my job.

My job right now is to be a mother and a wife.

And, I feel like I am failing at both.

So, I craft.

And, I go thrifting.

Because it is what I am good at.

It’s what I get positive feedback for.

People say…

  • You find the greatest stuff.
  • You are so creative.
  • You are amazing.
  • How do you have time for all of this?

The fact of the matter is…I’m not sure I do.

If I spend my time doing what makes me feel good it seems that I fail at my job.

SEEMS.

I told you. I am feeling vulnerable.

Maybe I’m not failing.

Maybe it just SEEMS that way.

FEELS that way.

No matter what. It hurts.

It’s hard.

I want to be the best I can be at my job.

I really just want to be a good mom and wife.

About being a mother, I want to hear…YOU ARE AMAZING.

About being a wife, I want to hear…YOU ARE AMAZING.

{And, back to that dream I had the other night…}

It wasn’t about the bloggers at all.

It was about my family.

When I read other blogs written by other moms and wives…I know I am not alone.

I also know my feelings of vulnerability will be acknowledged by other moms and wives who read my blog.

I just feel like I am failing with my family.

Is it really possible to be a good mom and wife and still do the other things I am good at?

The things that feed my soul.

Do I really have time to do it all?

home is…don’t let appearances fool you.

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11 thoughts on “vulnerable

  1. bulldogdesignstudio says:

    Sadly, you are not alone…I think all women whether they work from home or not–feel torn most of the time from providing for their children and husbands–It is hard work to be ‘on’ 100% of the time–and doing it when a partner travels is very hard. Keep thrifting and doing things for you…keep asking your children to do what they are asked..and know that you are not failing..you are just tired and need to refocus yourself–and that is ok. ❀

  2. Tracy Small says:

    Oh Steph. We all really SUCK at our Mom/Wife jobs sometimes. What makes it okay is that you do say “I’m sorry”. We teach our kids to apologize when they make a mistake but so many parents don’t want to apologize to their kids because they feel it shows weakness. I try to always apologize to my kids when I lose it or say something bad (like when Joey was driving me crazy and I used the “f” word…we were both shocked!). It makes you a good Mom that you can apologize. NONE of us are perfect! Some days I just have to tell myself that I did my best…even if my best that day was just barely better than the crack head Moms you hear about on the news. Sometimes that is the best we can do. Next day we wake up and try to do better. But I am worried about you being sick so much. What does your doctor say about it all?

  3. Stephanie says:

    Oh Steph, you and I are so similar…it is SO hard and I completely understand. You are NOT failing as a mom/wife…you are doing what you can do – and I think you are a fantastic person doing awesome for her family. And I LOVE your thrifting and crafting…you have to keep doing that stuff because it makes you a better person when you are doing things that you love.

    We really need to get together for a playdate…we could do Wed, Thurs or Friday next week. Let me know what works…and if you want to come over for dinner any of those nights, Mike is out of town so we would love to have you all.

    Please know that I am here and would love for you to come over anytime and just hang. So I am begging you, come over, bring your kids and we can let the little ones run rampant and just sit and talk. πŸ™‚

    • Don Schell says:

      Steph,
      I think those 3 weeks of physical sickness has taken it’s tole on your wonderful spirit that I’ve come to know and love.I don’t believe there are ever enough hours in the day to be a Mom,wife,with two children.There is not a job discription that covers all that a Mom,wife does in a single day.
      As for the crafting I love a Joni Mitchell quote: “It’s tough to keep your art alive while keeping your heart alive.”

      Steph you a super Mom and Wife.

  4. Megan says:

    I don’t have any words of encouragement, because this sounds similar to my post I wrote yesterday. I just wanted to let you know I can totally relate. And I’m sure we both are not failing even if it may feel that way. Hang in there, hope you feel better asap.

  5. Katrine says:

    Everything is so much more difficult when you are sick. Be kind to yourself because you are doing the best you can! I can relate as well. You are a good mom and wife, and this to shall pass!

  6. Kell says:

    preach it sister! totally what is screaming in my head when I read this!
    Being sick on top of being out numbered by your kids blows. Seriously. But the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that tomorrow is a new day, fresh start, a do-over….however that statement is full of crap sometimes too, cause somedays that just doesnt matter either.
    I get this totally. My husband has the oddest, hardest, ever changing schedule known to man. which until we had the twins I had no idea how hard of a schedule it was. I complained then (which I wish now to kick my own ass).
    Being apart of a team but really having to be ontop of the single parent gig is something that I dont feel many have to deal with a lot, consistently of course.
    I think your first step in the right direction is posting this. Gotta get it out, get it out and move forward, move up.
    I have so many mental notes of what I will be doing to be twins when they are teens and want to do nothing more then sleep. I will call it Momma give back.
    As for the working husband part, cant control totally who your heart falls for, I can only communicate to him my loving words and how grateful I am for him. Sometimes that is all the energy I have to give…..gotta get creative in the languages of love when you have these hurdles πŸ™‚

    Hang in there lady! You are SO NOT ALONE!

    Kell

  7. kathy says:

    Sorry, Steph, I, not you, was the worst mom ever in the history of man… some days… I was also the best mom some days and a fairly mediocre mom most days. Each one of those days, that was the best I could do that particular day given all of my own limits and resources and those of the other people in my family too. That we moms start all over the next day no matter what makes us moms… incredible beings who work so diligently and joyfully and hurriedly and the best and hardest job in the world. Be sure to put your crafting and thrifting somewhere on your priority list for each day so you stay sane… and be sure that list isn’t too long so there are some days when you can finish everything and reward yourself with crafting and thrifting time. Hang in there, things will be better! ILY K

    • Tracy Small says:

      Seriously. If MY MOM feels like she was the “worst” some days then all is well. Because if you ask any of her kids, all we remember every day is how totally awesome she is. So, either children have selective memories OR maybe us MOMS are just WAY too hard on ourselves!!!

  8. Jen says:

    I was just posting about similar things on my blog last week. Being the captain of the ship is HARD and when you are sick…all bets are off. The key is realizing you don’t have to be “perfect” to be the perfect mom for your kids and perfect wife for your husband. We women are so hard on ourselves. Remember to breathe and allow yourself room to not be on 100% of the time.

  9. Life in Lisaland says:

    Nobody is perfect. You’re not failing at your job. You’re being a normal mom. I put off stuff ALL the time to do fun things. Like seriously, I suck at all that housewife stuff, and I am, in fact, a housewife. I had the bug that you’re talking about….I’m sure it’s the same one. I’m on week 3 and it’s just now coming out of my lungs…and yesterday I had the worst headache of my life…..The first week I never left the couch and my poor kids had to take care of me. (They are, I think, a bit older than yours) But hey, who takes care of them when they’re sick?? πŸ™‚

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